According to statistics from Relationships Australia and Sexual Health Australia, affairs are relatively common in Australia. Surveys have estimated that approximately 60% of men and 45% of women have experienced infidelity within their relationship. Statistics suggest that emotional or physical affairs are particularly prevalent for married people, affecting as many as 70% of marriages at some point.
Given how high these statistics are, it is safe to say many relationships have experienced the effects of infidelity. The emotional pain and injury that occurs as a result of an affair can be devastating, and this fallout can often sadly lead to the end of the relationship. However, at least 50% of relationships survive infidelity or cheating and potentially lead to growth and commitment within the partnership or marriage.
What is an affair?
An affair can be defined as an act of infidelity or unfaithfulness engaged in by a person who is a part of a committed romantic relationship or marriage. The partner who has the affair engages with another person outside of their primary relationship, participating in a secondary relationship without the consent of their primary relationship partner. An affair is also commonly referred to as cheating. The occurrence of an affair also means the unfaithful partner has breached the trust of the relationship. There can be several aspects to an affair, including:
- Emotional – occurs when there is an intense emotional intimacy between two people, with no physical involvement
- Physical – occurs when sexual intimacy takes place within the relationship
- Romantic – refers to both emotional and physical interactions occurring in the affair relationship
Affairs are very complex and often create varying strong emotional responses for all of the parties involved in the infidelity, including the affair partner, the injured partner and the person who is outside of the relationship. At Brisbane Counselling Centre, the psychologists and counsellors understand these complicated dynamics, and they can help both individuals and couples start to heal from the acute emotional pain caused by infidelity.
Common emotional responses to an affair?
People’s reactions to infidelity within their marriage or relationship differ widely. Some people can move on with their lives as if their partner’s affair hasn’t affected their relationship or life, whilst other people feel their whole world has been shattered, and life as they knew it will never be the same. Some common emotional responses to an affair include:
- Intense feelings of betrayal and anger – these emotions can often lead to complex feelings of jealousy, insecurity and even rage
- Grief and inability to regulate one’s emotional self – finding out about an affair has been likened to learning that someone whom you love very dearly has died. It can feel like everything you have known within the relationship no longer exists, causing one to question everything, making it very difficult to manage and regulate one’s emotions
- Ruminating thoughts – rumination, defined as a repetitive, passive engagement with a cycle of negative thoughts and memories, can lead to one overthinking their own culpability in the affair and intense feelings of self-doubt
- Post-traumatic stress symptoms – some people can experience post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD), a disorder that shares several symptoms with PTSD, including intrusive thoughts, flashbacks, feelings of emotional numbness, and hypervigilance
These are just a few of the common emotional responses to an affair within your marriage or relationship. If you can relate to these emotional responses or find you are reacting in another way, talking about your experience and feelings with a psychologist or counsellor can be profoundly helpful in assisting you to understand and process what is happening for you.
Long-term emotional effects of an affair
The long-term emotional consequences caused by infidelity can be intense and varied. Infidelity can leave long-lasting scars for both people in the relationship. Some examples of long-term emotional impacts include:
- Impact on self-esteem – the betrayed person often feels they are to blame for the affair, questioning their worth and how lovable they are. The unfaithful person frequently feels shame and guilt about their actions, which impacts their sense of self.
- Grief for the loss of the relationship – some couples may experience ongoing grief for the loss of how things were between them, which can result in dissatisfaction in the relationship or emotional distance from one another.
- Trust issues – rebuilding trust in the relationship after an affair is probably one of the biggest hurdles couples must overcome together. The betrayed partner often struggles with the fear of being cheated on again in the future, and can be suspicious about their partner’s behaviours. An ongoing lack of trust can create insecurity and anxiety within the relationship. These trust issues often persist even if the relationship ends, potentially impacting how one treats their future relationships.
- Emotional trauma – like other significant traumas, infidelity can lead to ongoing and long-lasting symptoms, including intrusive thoughts, flashbacks and hypervigilance.
- Depression and anxiety – both partners can go on to develop feelings of depression and anxiety, impacting their long-term mental health.
Affairs are complicated, and the long-term effects of infidelity are often just as difficult to recover from, so we recommend you seek assistance from a trained psychologist or counsellor as soon as possible to begin your healing journey within your relationship or marriage.
Signs of post-infidelity stress disorder (PISD)
Whilst reactions to a partner cheating differ from person to person, some people can experience profound effects, including the potential of developing Post-infidelity Stress Disorder (PISD). The symptoms of PISD include:
- Avoidance – the avoidance of anything connected to or associated with the affair
- Hypervigilance – being hyperalert to what is going on around you and constantly looking out for suspicious or perceived threatening behaviours from the affair partner
- Intrusive thoughts and flashbacks – persistent unwanted thoughts, including images of the infidelity
- Numbness – a feeling of being emotionally ‘blunted’ or shut down
- Withdrawal – isolating oneself from friends, family and usual supports, as well as being unable to enjoy activities you usually find pleasure in
- Nightmares – typically related to the cheating behaviour, resulting in emotional distress
- Difficulties sleeping – challenges with one’s sleeping patterns can occur, resulting in problems in day-to-day activities
These symptoms can interrupt one’s life significantly. Seeking help from a psychologist or counsellor is highly recommended to assist you in recovering from PISD.
How can we recover from an affair?
Recovering from an affair in a relationship or marriage is a long and challenging process. It takes commitment from both the affair partner and the betrayed partner to be able to work through the impacts and consequences of the infidelity. Once you have established a mutual commitment to repairing the relationship, some common steps you can take forward are as follows:
- Contact with the person with whom the affair has occurred needs to cease – it is often challenging for the affair partner to cease all contact as they may be in love with the person they have had the affair with, and might be grieving the loss of this relationship. Having said this, a couple can’t move forward and begin repairing their relationship if the unfaithful partner continues to engage with the person with whom they have had the affair.
- Take responsibility – the person who has engaged in the affair needs to take full responsibility for their behaviour and genuinely express remorse for their actions, as well as acknowledge the emotional pain and damage they’ve caused.
- Engage in therapy – often it is helpful to engage in counselling with a psychologist or counsellor as individuals to work through your own emotional pain, as well as commence couples therapy to begin the therapeutic journey of healing your relationship or marriage.
- Set boundaries – identify and discuss whether any boundaries need to be established to prevent possible affairs in the future.
- Work through resentments – often, both parties in the relationship will have developed feelings of resentment toward one another due to an affair. Engaging in therapy to work through these resentments is crucial, as if they are left unaddressed, these feelings will prevent genuine forgiveness and recovery, both as a couple and as individuals.
- Focus on rebuilding trust – establishing trust will take time, patience, effort, and commitment. Honest and open communication is vital to rebuilding trust in your relationship.
- Build emotional and physical connection – take the time to invest in your marriage or relationship by reacquainting yourselves with each other. Acknowledge how your partner feels, and discuss how you can reconnect physically when the time feels right.
- Forgiveness – forgiving a partner for infidelity isn’t something that happens overnight. It’s essential to work towards genuine forgiveness, either as a couple or in conjunction with a therapist.
- Create new memories- over time, commit to creating new positive memories together, enabling you to reconnect emotionally and physically.
Recovery from an affair in your relationship requires patience, time, respect, care, understanding, empathy and genuine remorse. Couples counselling is often necessary to fully heal your relationship and to take you closer to creating an improved, more committed emotional and physical connection moving forward. We generally recommend individual therapy as well, as both partners will have their own challenges to work through after an affair has occurred in your marriage or relationship.
Therapy can help!
Speaking with a trained professional who cares can help you work through what is happening for you after an affair has occurred, enabling you to recover from the betrayal you’ve experienced, both as an individual and within your marriage or relationship. Psychologists and counsellors at Brisbane Counselling Centre can help you grow from this intensely emotional experience.
If you seek a professional, consistent, and caring affiliation and are interested in learning more about how Brisbane Counselling Centre can assist you with your relationship and recovery from an affair, the psychologists and counsellors are available to help. Please call to speak with one of our friendly team members to discuss your needs further.
